Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Eve 2011

Well it's time to get rid of the pictures of THE MESS!!! You didn't even see half of the terrible mess!!! I've been spending this eve trying to clean it up with more decorating along the way. Mainly just the main open area of the kitchen,dining area & living room. We won't talk about the other rooms.The stuff had to be hidden somewhere, didn't it LOL!!! Whoever brings me Communion tomorrow will be shocked if it's someone who's been here in the last 2 weeks. Did ya ever notice that you never see male Angel ornaments???
Guess there's a reason for that!!! I've had these 2 crystal like angels on my tree for years. One for my Mom & one for my sister. Was wishing I could have one for John,but as I said no male Angel ornaments. Well as I was cleaning up the mess tonite,looking through a box with ornies & stuff that wasn't putting up,I found a tiny snowman,maybe not even 2" tall that had John's name on it. I prolly bought it years ago at a craft show or something. It's a wonder I found it in that box. I truly don't even remember it.I put it right up at the top front of the tree and as tiny as it is I can really see it from my chair. Everything's lookin' pretty good now,but everytime I sit down to rest,I see something else to do,so I'm pretty tired & hurtin' all over LOL!!!
There was a terrible thing today with my sweet 14 yr. old grandson that I can't even get into,but right now I guess he's ok.
Thank you all for all the kind caring posts and emails. Please know that they mean everything to me,I read them over and over. AND guess what??? I been alone today and haven't cried!!!!
Please enjoy your celebrations of this most blessed and holy time and maybe give members of your family an extra hug and an "I love you".

Saturday, December 17, 2011


I've kinda had a breakdown this week.Haven't combed my hair,taken a shower,gotten dressed,I have been brushing my teeth though. These are my decorating for Christmas pictures.Actually just a few of them,cause every room in my house is a total wreck.The living area is better than it was though.I've been trying to unpack my nemesis,THE GARAGE while trying to decorate for Christmas. I have unpacked many many boxes. I have always decorated to the hilt and went all out full steam ahead at Christmas time.I always knew why I did it,it made everybody happy,but it also masked the pain of a 10 year old girl whose Mom went to the hospital Christmas night and died the next day.For the last 5 years John & I were so unhappy where we were living and with the money problems that forced our bankruptcy,that there just wasn't much decorating at Christmas.When I managed to get this house for us,one of the very 1st things that John said to me was,boy we're really gonna decorate this Christmas.So I have been trying so hard to do just that!! But at the same time I'm still continuing to deal with problems since John died almost on a daily basis.It would probably take me 2 days to explain all of it to you.People tell me how strong I am dealing with everything,but I don't feel that. All I feel is an extreme lonliness like no other.What seems to have really set this breakdown off this week is that I looked at the calender and remembered that today would have been my sister's birthday if she was still here.Then I thought about how alone I really am and how totally isolated,since I can't drive and go anywhere.THEN the sobbing started.Not just crying,sobbing to a point that your head hurts and you feel like you want to throw up and yet you can't stop.When I would finally stop,it would just start over again.BUT i have continued to hook,& stitch & sew & decorate,not finishing anything.I HAVE to tell you though about my 2 Lories who have steadfastly stood by me on the phone!!!!That would be Lori Rippey and Lori Brechlin.There's not enough good words that I can say about them,other than I love them and thank them with all my heart.Lori B. called PayPal and told them that she was a Social Worker and my Advocate and they needed to get things taken care of for me the RIGHT way.We then ended up on a 3 way call & things are in the process of being taken care of.You're thinking,PayPal what do they have to do with this?? Well years ago when I didn't even know how to turn the 'puter on,John set everything up with Paypal & eBay so I could start selling.BUT when he did that he used all his info,SS # & birth date,etc.Well in these past months it hasn't been enough for PayPal to tell them my husband died.It almost takes an act of Congress OR a threatening Lori Brechlin to change things!!It's not like I haven't been working on this for months.But they'd tell me I had to provide impossible things,like a picture of my attorney REALLY. But thanks to Lori it's in the works right now to change it to just have my name on it and not have John's as the primary.Would you have EVER thought my husband's death would be that big of a problem with a stupid little PayPal account??? That's how things have been everyday since John's been gone.Lori made another call too I guess it was to the department of aging in Cleveland who in turn called the MS society and I spoke to both on the phone.On my own I called Hospice and a counselor came right over yesterday morning.First I had to adamently assure all these people that suicide is SO TOTALLY out of the question for me!!! The Hospice counselor is very concerned when she came and saw the condition I'm in.She's afraid that my medications aren't working and that it's not usually a part of grieving that I have stopped doing the basic things for myself,like combing my hair.She sad that I am very clinically depressed.I'm very ashamed to say that my kids have no clue about the condition I'm in because they haven't called or come over or checked to see if I have any food,which I don't.This is NOT the way that they were raised.They saw their Dad and I always helping others. They're just too busy. But I say selfish. I'll pull myself out!!! I always have since I was that little 10 year old girl who had to become an adult overnight.And I'm working on getting in to see a woman neurologist who's also a physiciatrist that the MS Society recommended to me.
God knows that this is an UNBELIEVEABLY long post And I'm sure that I have all the pictures screwed up,but I'd like to show you 2 things that I finished last week that are original designs and both are for sale.

Both thes original hookings can put a smile on your face all winter long!!!
The Snowman rug is 11" round. It's $79.00 + shipping
The Hanging Snowman is 6" long. His hat is made from an old sweater and there's an antique button sewed on the end of his hat. He's $29.99 + shipping.