whether to just keep living one day at a time with monstorous things going on in my body that cause such pain that even with the constant doses of percocet and bentyl,I still at times want to scream,take it out now. Or the debilitating fatigue that makes me have to tell my friends on the phone that I don't have the energy to talk. I think I've reached the point now that I could easily sleep through the day,if I didn't force myself to get up. If you know Sherry,talking too much has NEVER been a problem for me LOL!!!!! My chances of living with surgery or without are not very good. One surgeon here said that operating on me is certain death,BUT he's also an ass. I saw the sadness in my Dr.'s face when he told me that no surgeon will touch me here and that he wanted me to go to the Cleveland Clinic (they'll try anything there!!)I told him that I don't want to go and he said but we can't keep you alive here,I said,then I'll die. He said,I don't want you to die. So if I went for the surgery,which my Gyne Dr. says,would be long,difficult and probably would take 2 surgeons to do,how would I be afterwards. The MS has already taken enough from me due to other traumas. I don't care if I couldn't walk like I can now,only having to use a wheelchair if I'm out,but I couldn't stand to not be able to use my hands to create things like I can now. Also John can't take care of me,either can the kids.They work and have no room. I DO NOT EVER want to be put in a Nursing Home EVER EVER EVER!!!!!!!
Sometimes on Saturdays I get an email from a beautiful,beautiful lady from my ebay group named Ann and she'll ask do I want to talk. So I'll call her.Yesterday she wrote and I thought,oh I'm too tired to talk and if anybody understands that it would be Ann but she's so sweet I wanted to call her. You see it has to be at certain times when she's able to talk to me and I'm honored that she wants to use her time and energy to talk to me. Ann has ALS so she is totally confined to a wheelchair and dependent on others. And Thank You God she has so many others helping her!!!!! And even another wonderful member of the group,Pam who's such a generous and giving person,will go to Ann's to visit with her and sew her binding on the rugs that she's still able to hook. I'm very fortunate to count these ladies among my wonderful friends. Ann is very happy and totally at peace with the coming end of her life. I so wish I could reach that point with her. We talk about it. Yesterday she said she hoped that it would be the brain tumor that would get me and I agree cause maybe it could be a coma and go peacefully,rather than the horrendous death of my colon bursting and becoming septic.
I still keep trying to work as much as I can. The 2" block hit or miss rug,was won by my buddy Lori Brechlin and I'm VERY honored that another of my rugs will be hanging in the old Notforgotten Farmhouse. The other rug is on ebay right now. Yesterday I started hooking another rug and it was going so well that I forced myself NOT to take my daily nap and just keep hooking!!!!! So when I get off this puter I'm goin' back at it,but I may not get away with the no nap thing today LOL!!!!